.Monday, March 16, 2009@6:58 AM.
I don't know why am i feeling this way but it's really unbearable. I tried several times to stopped thinking of it, i tried ways like making a lot of noise(which my mother felt utterly disturbed by my action), eating nonstop(which made me grew fat that's what a lot of people said) and when drinking(which made many shun away from me). God, why am i doing all this man, i asked myself every time but this is what made me temporary put down what's in my mind.
I told myself, i shall stop all this action before i get myself into deep shit again. I seek understanding from some of you guys that I'm really still trying to stand up. All this weeks, I've been deceiving and hiding myself away from the truth. What kept me going is actually this fake thought that i had in my mind. I been living on it all this time, even though i know it deep down under that this won't ever happen but I'm a loser, a total loser.
I phone Elaine today and talked to her quite some time, i can see that she's like half way giving up on me, she said something like "I every time listen you say this but seems like you never really want to do it". Wah damn low when listen to her say this kinda thing about myself. Well actions speaks louder than word! I'm going to start!
I told Elaine i want to be the bad guy but she told me I can't be one because my conscious will bite me down and bring me back to my sense, I told her i want to find someone else to forget her but she told me to really sincerely put down this before going into another. She also said i can't do it. Quite fucktub but in my guilty conscious, it quite true.
I really wanna go on a holiday, a short one will do. I wanna go by myself(if i dare to do it) or go with a small group just to get away from here. Hopefully i can plan one by myself soon.
I can't blame you or anyone but myself.....
I would like to apologies to two person.
Firstly is Joline, i felt i fly her a lot of times already and i did something bad to her. Both of us know what is the thing. She's giving up on me, terribly disappointed on me and i know myself that i can't expect her to forgive me. I really have a hard time trying to tell you I'm sorry so i hope by any chance you can forgive me, i know i been a jerk, horrible one some more.
Secondly is mi feng di di. I've been very self centered to him, i did everything with his companionship for my sake. I want to do what, i will just drag him a long without considering about him. Felt quite bad until i think back. I'm sorry man and thanks for standing by me for this period of time. I won't ask you again.
I've two pictures i would like to share, this was taken when michael was driving to fetch my sister from tanah merah ferry terminal, i could swear that this is the hardest terminal to find in singapore because there are about 4 terminal in changi and this is one of the most deserted but newly open one.
To me the picture resemble something like everytime dark clouds swallow a picture of vast sky, there will or should alway be a spot that will let light through and brighten a route for you to go. In another context, never give up no matter how dark your path is because on the dark road, there are bound to be a ray of light hope waiting for you to discover and save you from all this misery!
