.Monday, February 16, 2009@2:51 AM.
I've a confession to make today, a very realistic fact about myself. Maybe hatred(a little, how to hate someone you love? especially when you gave your whole life to already), depression(a lot, I'm like on the verge of breaking down, just that some people are helping me withstand going over that side) and loneliness(hey, I'm alone now, back then and in the future) made me what I'm now.
But first, Sorry to you Valerie, for wasting 3 years of your life with me, i know i coop you all this while and thanks for accommodating with me all this while. It was very nice of you to do that. I'm now on the route to closing up myself. You taught me a lot, how to be a gentleman, how to treat a girl the rightful way, how to plan, don't be lazy, learn to earn money or willing to work and last but not least how to control my temper (you know what i mean!).
Alright, back to my confession! I can't take back my words already, i lost the war man, i can't have her back already. Valentine day was the best day i had for this year, although short but it was heartwarming to the extend that i can really give up 5 years of my life for that 3 hours. This is what i bought for her, sorry there isn't any present for you. Hope you like it.
I'm going forward already, at least that's what i think I'm doing. Yesterday, when i finish doing my duty and when to bed. Suddenly, I woke up crying, tears just kept coming down my face. I tried to stop it, i ran out and when to a deserted place, i called CZH, i told him those tears i can't really control, it just kept flowing down and my heart is crying out in pain, even my lung was hurting, god i swear this time i really cried out everything, those i kept for years, all those were used up. I start pouring out everything, eventually, he also cannot take it and passed to his mother. His mother was one hell of a counsellor, i totally can't talk back. She told me a lot, to brave through it...blah blah(the other content is confidential).
After hanging up with her, my tears are still running down and here came my killer move, i decided to tell my mother, she's the only one i can go to. I started with this sentence "Ma, Valerie and me don't have already". After that sentence, the only thing i did was CRY! She told me about a lot of things, i listen and told her that it was damn bloody hard, if there were something like "忘情水", I'll be the first one to glup down 10 bottles at that time. She too told me to let go and i was still young, can find those fierce fierce one, even more fierce than her. I told her i was tired, beaten up and down. I don't want to do anything other than put myself back in shape. She said something back and all the other contents was confidential.
After being at that place, it seems like i'm drowning myself in a superficial, temporary indulgence place. Everything slow down at there, time never seem to pass at there. It was just drink drank and drunk. Alright, i didn't get drunk. I hate drinking but now i'm doing it. Just to numb myself.
Stupidly, i think i'm using her to forget you but i know it's just for playing, i'm neither hurting anyone in the process nor i'm hurting myself. All i know was i need peace at my heart and mind, i need to divert my attention to someone which i don't have to commit and do anything. It was just a gain of sympathy from her that i need. I know it wouldn't last but i really don't have a lot of choice. I know those places are hurting to my soul and my pocket but i just need it to throw away what i'm thinking for that moment and just recover bit by bit, using someone as bait.
IT'S NOT GEYLANG:)
I told my mother that too, she was like scolding me but in the end, she told me take time off, cool down, you may go there but seriously don't go there so often. She's a understanding woman, I shall put my time and effort to improve myself for her. She's the only motivation i have in my life now.
Haha, what a weakling right. I always act strong infront of you guys, i always was the HARD one. What the hell right? This is the side you all will never see, unless you are the closest to me. I can never tell anyone about it face to face. I'm just not that brave, i'm losing myself. Hopefully, i can become the cold and silent me again.